We missed you!

SportsBall had a week-long break to drink in the Thanksgiving relaxation but we’re back to bring it home in 2023. Be forewarned, the five stories in this installment are as follows: 🏈 🏈 🏈 🏈 🏈.

Not just any football though, we have football…

🎤 Halftime shows
🌖 Moon phases
🛍️ Black Friday shopping… And more!

We’ll bounce back with some variety in a big way next week, we promise. Let’s get into it ⬇️

THIS PAST WEEK ⏮

Workin 9 to (7)5 🏈

For almost 100 years, Thanksgiving Day has hosted three NFL games 🍗. They start when the turkey goes in the oven. They end late when you’re passed out on the couch from tryptophan. Two of the teams remain the same every single year; the Cowboys and the Lions, with the Cowboys cemented as “America’s team 🇺🇸”. America’s team in America’s game on America’s holiday.

And America showed out for the Cowboys game on Thursday, with over 40 million people watching on average. That’s more than 10% of the country…

Not only was the game a spectacle, but the halftime show starred 77-year-old Dolly Parton dressed to the nines as a Cowboys cheerleader. ⬇️ I don’t plan on working or looking that good when I’m 77 so Dolly doing both is a serve. 💅

Winning is in Retrograde 🏈

While the Cowboys star shined bright Thursday, the Lions had less luck, losing to their rival Packers. They never stood a chance though, as the power of the moon 🌖 was against them…

On Wednesday before the game, “analytics” came out showing that whenever the Lions play on Thanksgiving and the moon phase is a Waxing Gibbous, they always lose. And what was the moon phase this Thanksgiving? You guessed it.

We’re just excited to see astrology finally infiltrate professional sports.

Black Friday Football 🏈

At this point, we’re conditioned to know that the NFL is on Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays. No questions asked. That likely explains the shock you felt Friday at noon when another damn game popped on the TV.

The game ended up being in the bottom 10th percentile for viewership this year with 75% fewer viewers than the game a day before, but I’m sure Jeffy B did just fine 💰

LEARNING MODULE 💡

College Football 🏈 Playoffs are… Subjective?

In almost every sport, “making the playoffs” means the same thing. If you’ve won enough games to qualify, you’re in. It’s quantitative and easy, no grey area. Then there’s college football…

Enter the College Football Playoff Selection Committee 🧑‍⚖️. These 13 members, many of whom are athletic directors and former coaches, subjectively decide the rankings each week beginning in October. Fun fact, Condoleezza Rice was part of the committee for 3 years! In addition to wins and losses, the committee considers things like:

• Who has each team played and beaten? 💪 Stronger schedule is better.

• Did any competing teams play each other and who won? 🤩 Head-to-head matchups are important.

• Did any teams win their conference? 🏆 Bonus points if so.

• Am I feeling hungry or tired right now? 🤔 The subjective assessment of a team’s strength also plays a role here.

Sure, it seems unfair that a team could win all their games and not make the playoffs 😡 It’s necessary though! There are only 4 playoff spots (expanding to 12 next year) for 128 schools to compete for, making it hard to make the big decisions and whittle them down. For example, if Cal Poly and Alabama were both undefeated at the end of the year, Alabama would probably get the nod.

That decision would be simple but this year some tough decisions are coming up with the playoff beginning in 2 weeks. These teams ⬇️ are all vying for a spot in the playoff this year with surely one of them to be left on the outside, snubbed.

This time next week we should have a final ranking that solidifies the field and some butthurt fans from at least a couple of these teams shown above. We’ll just have to wait and see!

ATHLETE OF THE WEEK 🏆

Scott Hanson 🏈

Hanson, the widely beloved host and face of NFL RedZone, is this week’s Athlete of the Week for many reasons. Not only does he call every touchdown in real time on 5 hours of sleep (he’s too excited on Sundays, like Christmas morning), but he does not take a single restroom break in all 7 hours he’s behind the podium. 🚽 Hanson has “not been nervous in years,” and has only missed a single touchdown in the last 8 years as the host.

When asked about his miraculous bladder strength, he once replied:

These credentials could win Athlete of the Week on their own. What gave Hanson the W in our eyes was his performance calling the games over this past weekend… even with a fire in the building. 🔥 That’s right, a fire alarm started going off in the studio mid-broadcast and all employees of the on set were told to evacuate. Hanson begrudgingly stepped away for a moment before returning to his post, not missing a single touchdown ⬇️

We encourage all of you to tune in for an NFL Red Zone or two this season to get the full Scott Hanson experience™. You’ll come across things you’ve never seen before like the Octobox (8 games on the screen at once), and the Witching Hour (nobody knows what this is), but it’s a great way to consume all the football you could ever want.

THIS NEXT WEEK ⏭

We’ve added a new metric to the season tracker to show how far through the regular seasons we are. It can help you know when to start paying attention to playoff races as things begin to heat up a bit.

College Football 🏈 

This is the final week of the College Football season and this set of games will decide who ends up making the playoff (see learning module). Each top 8 team listed below needs to win this week to even be considered for a playoff spot.

Friday, Dec. 1

• No. 3 Washington vs. No. 5 Oregon | 5 p.m. | ABC

Saturday, Dec. 2

• No. 1 Georgia vs. No. 8 Alabama | 1 p.m. | CBS

• No. 2 Michigan vs. No. 16 Iowa | 5 p.m. | FOX

• No. 4 Florida State vs. No. 14 Louisville | 5 p.m. | ABC

• No. 7 Texas vs. No. 18 Oklahoma State | 9 a.m. | ABC

NBA 🏀

The NBA in-season tournament is now past the group stage and on to the knockout phase. The games start on Monday with the insane courts so tune in if you need to use up some HSA dollars on new prescription sunglasses. Here’s the schedule ⬇️

NFL 🏈 

We’re almost ¾ through the NFL season, and like College Football, NFL playoffs are on the horizon. Every week now has huge implications for teams to make it to the promised land. Some of the biggest games to keep your eye on this week are:

• Seahawks vs. Cowboys - Today @ 5:15 p.m. The Seahawks are trying to chase down the 49ers while the Cowboys are trying to chase down the Eagles. Both need a win badly.

• Lions vs. Saints - Sunday @ 10:00 a.m. The Lions are coming off a cosmic loss (see above) and need a bounce back while the Saints are narrowly winning their division.

• 49ers vs. Eagles - Sunday @ 1:25 p.m. This is a matchup of last year’s NFL semifinal and should be the game of the week as these two teams meet again.

Thanks for tuning in for yet another week with us. Finish this week strong and we’ll see you next Thursday! 💪

— Riley and Claire